The Basics

By: Cathy Wang

My brain likes to run amuck.    
Some days it gets stuck on the same thought:
You are in love with someone and they do not love you.
You ate too much today and are now chubby, too chubby in fact to be loved by anybody.
You will never achieve anything of importance in your life.
You are a terrible daughter, friend, person, human being.
No one in this world has ever been as alone as you.
Other days the rusty wheels in my head start turning,
On those days I write the most.
Some days my head works in my favor.
On those days I see such beautiful things:
Scenes filled with bright laughter and promising futures and so much happy happy happiness.
Moments where I felt breathless clarity.
Running through sprinklers.
A pair of arms wrapped around me at a concert .
The wind in my hair and a song that made me feel endless.
Being loved. 
Some days I feel like a romanticized day dream,
I am invincible and the world exists for me to conquer it.
Why should I care what anyone thinks?
I am beautiful and unique in my own right and the love of myself is all that I need.
My eyes, my hair, my smile, my legs, my stomach, all of me is magnificent. 
But, on bad brain days 
Sometimes, if I let it, the sorrow can swallow me whole.
It's easy to find problems in every aspect of your life once you've hit rock bottom. 
Those days, I feel numb.
And sometimes, nothing beats the gray that fogs up my mind.
Thoughts of not enough
not good enough
never good enough
never enough.  
My hands and feet are perpetually cold to the touch.
My cheeks are polka dotted with pigmentation and jowls dip around my mouth.
My top lip looks permanently swollen .
My legs are short and my arms jiggle.
But my eyes are a nice shade of brown and my left eyebrow is pretty bangin’ . 
My teeth are nice and I'm a fan of my shoulders.
I like the freckle on the side of my face.
I'm a worrier and a perfectionist.
An over thinker and a crier.
I have social anxiety with a dash of body dysmorphia.
I can never communicate the thoughts and feelings I want to say and I rely too heavily on routines.
I wear earbuds without music playing.
I'm indecisive and needy.
But I'm also a quick learner and a good leader.
I'm fiercely loyal and an okay storyteller.
I learn and I grow and I'm still trying to figure out who I am.
But those were the basics.