elementia issue 3

I remember about my past.
my childhood.
it wasn’t good.
It was actually a nightmare.
dark
scary
sad.

I remember a time when I had freedom. Maybe
not freedom, but choices. I could
choose my friends. I could choose
what I wanted to wear. The freedom
to say no, when I didn’t want to do
something.

I lost my favorite cousin
he was at a gas station getting gas
with his daughter
and his daughter’s mother
and someone ran over
and shot him.

freedom’s important
I see very clearly now
the great open space
it’s not much to some people
but to me it’s...everything.

on vacation from myself-damaging life

dedicated to joetta
I care about u
just 2 let you know
cuz I don’t know how
much love I show

A strong black
newbian queen is what
I call you

Repent
As I sit and do this free write
The thoughts going through my head aren’t light
As I think back on my old action times of crisis
Thoughts of things past I would rather dismiss
As I realize I betrayed myself
Life’s simple rules stare down on me

My mom is like binoculars
She is always looking out for me

My dad is like a unicorn
I’ve never seen him
I have always wondered
what he looks like

If you fall head first
are you falling up?
or to the side?
or in between?
Can you feel heaven
and taste hell?
Can you reach in and pull out,
jump in and jump around?
If you exist but choose to be
nonexistent, are you real?

It comes in all shapes and sizes
some cute couples,
some odd pairs...
we know who we are.
But despite the fact that commonly,
this world leads us to believe
that clash will always lead to
-conflict
and conflict just its own,

Over the quivering surface of the stream,
The moon issued a silent scream.
The fog of war flowed silently adrift,
The pain of the night was silent and swift.
A moth fluttered in the silent breeze,
Surrounded by the scent of death and disease.

I walk outside
Everything seems so dark
Have only the stars
To give me light
Wind blows the grass
Makes the leaves dance
Swirls in my hair
Carries away my every care
And the stars
Twinkle down on me
Like diamonds on velvet

Notorious Victoria,
Malicious Victoria,
Sweet kind and loving Victoria.

Multiple personalities,
An ongoing personification,
Can create,
In itself a problem,
Don’t you think,
Vic-tor-ia

Can you believe that? Absolutely impossible. The world ended three months ago. But if you think that’s why I’m in denial, you’re wrong.

I simply can’t believe that a guy like that can even exist...

I want to scramble away
I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to fight back
No...
No...
I need to scramble away
I need to scream
I need to shout
I need to fight back.
Or do I?
The voices tell me not to,

What is this nonsense that a school represents?
It teaches the ways of a trained money controlling society
I dwell in the essence of my mind knowing they don’t have me convinced
I’m an individual and I will not be another part of the variety

Hawk upon blue sky
Soaring above brook and spring
On the endless high

I want to touch a tree.
Not just any tree.
A tree with big green leaves.
I miss the shade trees
give on hot summer days.
The way they smelled, not
like a flower, just the
overall smell of nature.
I want to sit on

So maybe I am bound by fate, a problematic scaring induced
by hate, you never seem to open out, is that what all this
teaching has led to scout, it’s not my fault, you make me feel,
like my own education wasn’t truly real. So you came right in,

I see purple oranges bouncing
Silly rabbits singing
twisted colors, sadistic hallucinations
these purple oranges hanging from a noose
dripin in my cup is purple orange juice

Under the rug, two weeks later it happened again. The huge bump came back.
I panicked and tried to smash it, like last time. It moved clear of my blow,
with the wooden chair I had been sitting on. I didn’t know if it was under the

waves slapping against the shore
sun shining through every door

sets my mind free and at ease keeps
my head in the clouds...always dreaming
about me perfect one

Wait!

Sometimes when I sit in my room I think of home
I think of all the things I miss and how I’m alone
In all the loneliness I get consumed in sadness and fear
Then I feel the pain as I shed a tear
Sometimes when I’m in my room and I’m entrapped in silence

In the calm before the storm all is concealed
There is serenity and peace of mind before the storm is revealed
The clandestine activity crude as it laughs in your face
The Gnostic gimmick of peace before the mask breaks

Why do I want to do my own thing?
Why do I always want to be in trouble?
Why don’t I stay home...in one place?
Why do I always run away?
Why do I lie to AJ?
Why can’t I just tell the truth?
Why can’t I tell him I love him?

I wonder...
I sit in my cell and
wonder
where will I be when
this is all over?
will there be something
waiting for me on the
other side of the door?
Will the world have
changed?
Or will it all be the
same?

In real life things don’t have outlines.

My life is full of tragedy
Hurt and pain left and right
I see things a little differently
Looking for sunshine in the night

Condemned by them
Isolation
Controlled by them
Aggravation
Freedom lost
Twice the cost

I am on probation