By: Julie Pham

first; to detect a charlatan, check pulse.
             is it too fast? then it’s a fake.
                          body too fat? a fake.
                                         check body temperature. is the skin a frigid north pole, breakable like a stick?
                                         yes? then it passes the test.

second; calculate the binary between bmis.
              binary because the curmudgeons who taught you algebra are incorrect— you should know by
                         there is not an infinite amount of numbers,

                                      only two: overflowing and beautifully slim.

             ignore the optimists, the ones with the candy white teeth. in this pseudo-language, derived from
             strings of
                          not hungry today and i already ate,
                                    there are only two.

third; remind yourself that it’s your choice which of the two you want to be.

fourth; here is a computational problem for you.

           def function(beautiful):
                      var weight = skinny

           error: “skinny” is not defined
           error: “weight” cannot be overwritten, it is already defined as “obese”

fifth; to educate an illiterate, show them the basics. if-statements.

            if you consume one cheeto,
                      then you are an ingrate to your sacred body, then there is a bug in your code and then the
                      only way to get rid of it is to stack and overflow.

            if you sneak through your door and barefoot your way towards the hot light in the kitchen,
                      then the variable lb overflows and you have to start the code over from scratch.

sixth; examine the source code. examine it closely. look at the variables, the code’s
           vertebrae, look at how deliciously visible they are, how they
                        poke out. look at the tiny value of their constant, the
                               collarbones. they’re not the collarbones of a wannabe programmer. they’re
                                         regal, jutting, magnificent.

seventh; it’s your choice.

eighth; here is another name for the class variable: pyromaniac. you can’t help it, can you? starting fires?
it’s a different kind of burning.
           not houses, but thighs.
                      not a forest, but a wide expanse of stomach.

                      ideal_list = [thighgap, flat_stomach, tiny_waist, sticks, no_flesh, ribs, collarbones, wrist,
toned_stomach, spine]
                      safe_list = [monsterzero, ricecake, grapes, proteinbar, cucumber, greentea, blueberries]

tenth; have you solved the computation problem yet?
          has var obese been overwritten yet?
                       has it?

             for i in range (< lb):
                        the clocks are ticking,
                               the calculators are running,
                        the numbers are being handed to you on a silver plate.
            you eat them and
                        var hunger = negative.

twelfth; error: the fps has gotten
                       you delete a line but it comes right back.
             backspace and
                        it comes right back.
             delete backspace return enter keysmash
                         but it comes right back.

             my_list = [hairloss, fragile_bones, dehydration, fainting, cold, infertility, heart_failure]

                             var eating disorder = gone;

                             remove var eating disorder;

                             please get me out of this

              traceback (most recent call last):
                       file “anorexia”, line 12
                                 syntax error: invalid syntax

                       for i in range (infinity):
                                  var eating disorder = forever
                                  var weight = 0