An Anecdote to be Read Aloud, with Enthusiasm

By: Madeline Pinne’


Yes, we’re open. Despite the fact that someone didn’t flip the OPEN sign around. Walter! Yes, you! What did I say about that sign? Oh, no, ma’am, don’t leave, please, we’re open. We are! Hello? Excuse me? Please turn around! Are you deaf, ma’am? Hard of hearing? Suffering from a buildup of ear fluids? HELLO, YOU CRAZY OLD BAT! Oh, so you can hear. Delightful! Oh, goodness. Oh, now don’t look at me that way, sir, you looked rather, erm, feminine from behind. It was that scarf around your head, sir. Yes, I know it’s cold, why do you think I’ve got the door shut? No, I can’t imagine, but I can see that you’re going to tell me anyway, much did you pay for that scarf? Really? Good gracious! God bless America and all the ships at sea! You could feed an entire third, no, excuse me, sir. I only meant, I understand that it must be worth it. Quite toasty, I’m sure, underneath that scarf. No, I assure you, I’m not being flippant. Your ears are the picture of, erm, warmth. Oh, well, of course I will. But I must insist that you buy something from me, if I’m going to do that. We in the rain slicker industry make a rather modest living. But do you really want me to touch your ear? Are you certain? Well, alright. Hmm. Yes, that is quite warm. And sweaty. No, no, I didn’t say sweaty, I said...gingham! Because you, sir, need a gingham rain slicker, I can see it in your eyes! What’s that? You don’t want the gingham? You want a slicker to match the scarf? Well, I don’t know if we carry pink paisley. That’s an interesting choice, may I say, especially for someone of the, erm, male gender. Oh! It’s for your wife’s birthday? You mean to say that you’re testing out the scarf for your wife, to make sure that it’s warm enough for her delicate ears? Well, now you tell me! So that means the coat would be for her, as well. It would have been most helpful to tell me this before. Oh, no, don’t leave. Please! I’ll paint the pattern on the coat myself! Oh, do come back, sir! I can send you a catalog! Yes, I’ll do that. Our hunter green camouflage print is very fashionably priced this month. What does that odd gesture mean? Oh, can’t you hear me? Come back, sir, come back! You haven’t even filled out a customer satisfaction survey!