I fall deeper and deeper with
Every scathing second.
My eyes are wide open now
And I realize that this is not a dream.
She turns inside me,
Her tiny foot skids the wall of my stomach.
I don’t know how she is a girl,
But she is.
And I choose a name after it is too late.
And I kill the time along with her
Because I am a fool
Who would prefer to drown beneath the blue sheets
And stare up at the moon
Than have my child and watch her bloom.
I can’t go back now and I hope to God,
That there is a Heaven for babies who don’t get born,
Even though I don’t believe in God or Heaven
Maybe she does
And maybe then they’ll have a place set aside for her,
Better than the home of her poor mother.
And maybe they’ll teach her why I did it,
Because if God is so merciful,
Then he’ll take care of her when I didn’t.
And the moon looks even whiter now,
As pure as my love who deserves so much better,
Than to be the aftershock of a susceptible mistake.
I thought I was dreaming but I never woke up.
My eyes stayed open,
Staring at the moon that I wish she got to see.
The water blurs my vision until I have to close them.